A work in progress

Last weekend, I was part of a panel at a singles retreat held for college students. Students submitted questions which served as a guide for the panel discussion. The entire experience was terrifyingly wonderful - honest and real vulnerability meets attempting to effectively communicate my unique journey. Some of the student questions really struck me and they've been on my mind all week. I'd like to share a few, along with my current thoughts. "What is the best way to remind yourself that there isn't something wrong with you just because you are single?" "If God has told me to wait, how do I do that?" "I avoid relationship in fear of being vulnerable. How can I get over this?" "I've heard 'be content with God' or 'only God can make you complete' so much. I know the Bible says that but don't think I've experienced it. Can that legitimately be achieved?"   "How has your view of singleness changed...

I've been reading Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God  by Tim Keller. (Thank you, Mitch!) There is so much in the book to unpack, discuss, think about, and apply. Since I don't think anyone would appreciate reading pages and pages of direct quotes from the book on this blog, I'll just recommend it to any and all. Prayer is a topic that I always said I was going to work on but it always seemed too big to tackle. So, I continued with my norm and by ignoring prayer in my life, it became an even bigger idea that was just too difficult for me to wrestle. Thankfully, this book and the Scripture it has pointed me to, has revealed that prayer - rich, powerful, life-changing prayer - is very possible. I just want to share one of my biggest take-aways. By having a skewed view of the Gospel, I've created a skewed view of God, myself and our relationship with each other. My take on the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Christ keeps me from experiencing the fulln...

Hello again internet world! It's been a few months, but not for lack of trying. I've spared this particular outlet from the mess of emotions and thoughts that these last months have been. My journal was not so lucky. The highlight events are pretty significant: an international move and an on-going career change.  The spiritual, emotional, and physical effects of these events bring about daily victories and defeats. And the lessons I'm being forced to learn....where do I begin? Waiting.       "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14 I'm taking a break from teaching because I feel beat down and exhausted. My current circumstances are unique in that I have the resources and family support to take some time to retreat, to renew my mind, body, and soul. I get to wait and look to Jesus to mend my brokenness and show me the next steps to take. Thank you, Lord, for this precious gift of time to recover. An...

The infinity of God is a curious thing. I know it will remain a mystery since I am a finite being. Even more constricting, I’m a finite being with a compulsion to analyze and organize. That works out just fine when I’m looking to make connections with a few variables. But God has infinite variables that connect perfectly to include a master plan for the universe, which involves details about my role, purpose, and place in that universe. When I feel unsettled within my role, purpose or place, the vastness of His being and His plans overwhelm me. I attempt to sort out the single aspect of God's identity that will give me clarity and direction. I usually find countless aspects that could send me down multiple avenues, all of which could be "right", crippling my comfort zone of sorting through the options until I've chosen correctly. So I wander, seemingly aimless, begging to be told what to do so that I don't have to bear the responsibility for choosing poorly.  Du...

Not sure about the rest of you, but I keep waiting to feel  like I'm the age that I actually am. "Thirty-five" sounds mature. Confession….I don't feel  mature. I feel like I need to rebel against my age. Am I alone? I see this picture. And I think about my chosen career. I should feel  my age. But I don't. Maybe someday I will. Maybe. 

Only pictures today. These are snapshots of my current home through some changing seasons. Each of those seasons hold both joys and sorrows. Each snapshot holds a season of lessons learned, memories made, and gratitude that God is faithful, no matter the season of my heart. 

…makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires, will come to you. It's a lovely thought, but so not true. I think that the real truth goes something like this: When you give your life to Christ, your hopes and dreams morph into His plans for your life. And the great thing is that His plans are so much better than anything you could have come up with on your own. Not sure that it would fit into a catchy tune that half the world would recognize, but truth none the less. I've been thinking back to my time at LeTourneau a lot lately. It may be because a dear friend that I met during college will be moving to Prague this summer. It may also be because my next birthday brings about a number that I'm actually struggling with a bit. Despite the reason why, my mind has been reliving a few ridiculous and fantastic adventures from that season of my life. Those memories have also reminded me of my college dreams, the biggest one being marriage and family. But that ...

Due to my current circumstances, I've developed the habit of listening to music almost constantly. I live alone, and when the silence gets to be too much, I press play. I walk and ride public transportation, surrounded by lovely people who speak a language I do not understand, so I throw those earbuds in and listen to the soundtrack of my life. The lyrics provide the conversations I can't have and the music provides the metronome to walk, run, and dance. I usually listen to the albums I've purchased on iTunes in one giant, shuffled playlist. There are 1340 minutes of music available at the moment but I can't get enough of a specific 4 and half minutes. "Our God is able, more than capable to be faithful to the end. He'll finish what He started." (MercyMe) When these lyrics travel through my headphones to my ears, they don't just pass through. These words land in my heart. And as I've been meditating on the lyrics along with Philippians 1:6...

Saying goodbye was tough. My dad got some awkwardly wonderful pictures of tears running down my face as I said goodbye to my parents in the Houston airport on Tuesday. If he sends them to me, I'll post them, cause I bet they'll make you smile. As I hugged their necks, I knew in my heart that I was making one of the best choices of my life, but my gut told me that getting on this plane was a huge mistake. Wrestling with those conflicting thoughts and all the emotions that come with them left me pretty drained. I arrived in Prague on Wednesday night, worn out from the traveling and still in a bit of shock at how relatively quickly I just overhauled my life. Once I got a chance to call the folks, I found out they had to put Luna down that morning which also happened to be their anniversary. She was a good dog - 17 years old. She'd been part of the family for half my life. After an emotionally draining start, I'm finding my stride here.  I've officially moved into my ap...

As I prepare to move my life overseas for 3 years, my mind has been full. That's to be expected; but one thought in particular has consumed much of my conscious processing time - "By choosing to move to Prague, I've closed the door for good on marriage." As I've been processing this statement, I went through a few stages, but here's what I landed on.  First of all, who am I to make those kind of statements?!? In Romans 9, Paul makes it clear that the clay doesn't tell the potter what to do or what it should be. He's talking about how Israel will always be His chosen people, but by His mercy, we were grafted into the plan. It really hits home, in verse 23, with a reason why we are designed in a certain way or given certain circumstances: "And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory". Singleness is a circumstance, not an identity. The weight of my "closed door" sta...

I prefer simple. Losing my mind feels like a strong possibility if there are too many potential outcomes produced from an equal number of potential processes. Circumstances, on occasion, present themselves in such a way that multi-tasking appears to be the most efficient solution, causing any thoughts I currently posses to hide among the fog that now occupies my brain. Like I said, I prefer simple. Moving is NOT simple. It's a constant multi-step process of decision-making. Should I keep? Should I sell? Should I ship? Should I store? Why do I even own this? And all of these questions lead up to the mother of all moving questions: How do I say goodbye well? In the midst of trying to take care of every one of my material possessions, I'm also trying to communicate love and appreciation to those that have invested in me and those that I've invested in. Emotionally, I'm spent. Mentally, I'm exhausted. Physically, I'm dragging. And spiritually, a Psalm is beating m...

I've been reading He Chose The Nails  by Max Lucado. It's been quite an interesting journey - looking at all the things that Christ said, through action and word, when He took on the penalty that my sin deserves. Lucado shares God's promises through every part of the trial, death, and resurrection of Christ. Today, I read about God's promise through the wine-soaked sponge. It seems strange that God could promise something through a sponge, but He did. The fact that Christ asked for something to drink, He exposed His humanity, clearing stating that He can identify with my humanity. He can be trusted with my thirst, my hunger, my pain, and my sorrow because He understands. He experienced it. He didn't have to live 33 years on this earth. That wasn't part of the requirement. He chose to endure that time on earth so that I knew He could be trusted. Trusting someone enough to let them into my heart terrifies me. I'm tempted to wallow in loneliness and let my fe...

What a crazy winter this has been! In December, we had a two-hour delay. In January, we had 2 school days cancelled due to ice. And today, we have a two-hour delay, which keeps February in this unusual winter tradition. Please forgive me, northern friends, for even talking about what I am experiencing as actual winter. I grew up in snow and ice, and spent 3 years as an adult driving around in this stuff. I know what winter is "supposed" to look like. And yet, having spent half of my adult life in Texas, I am now surprised by freezing temps and wintry mixes. Remnants from our last ice day Looking through my calendar of what needs to be done at school, these delays and cancellations have caused frustration and chaos to my plans. But I'm thankful for this "extra" time that God has provided. In this delay, I get to spend time with Him, allowing the Holy Spirit to mold and shape my heart, so that my time with the students, teachers, parents, and community of...

I believed the lies today: you're a failure; you're best is not good enough; you'll never measure up; you're tolerated and not loved. Not a single person said any of those things to me - it's all in my head. Yet, my belief in these deceptions tainted every interaction, every conversation, and every decision at work today. I'm thankful that the Lord reminded me of the truth so that I don't have to live in the midst of lies tomorrow. And I'm thankful that His Truth is absolute: the same for everyone, at all times, in every circumstance. "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,  For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;  Great is Your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (NASB) For I am convinced that  neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,  nor things present, nor things to come, nor po...

I probably shouldn’t write. That “Do as I say, not as I do” quote could easily be applied to my written musings. God, in His infinite wisdom, made me a math teacher, so my writing skills are rarely called into question. So why do I keep coming back to this? Because it brings some order to my random catalog of a brain. It may not make any sense to anyone else, but it tends to bring some sanity to the insanity of my emotions and mind. Currently, the play-by-play in my head centers on grief. Last May, an aunt passed away; last September, my Grandma Merrell passed away; last Saturday night, an uncle passed away. There is great hope and even joy in each case, since they are now with the Lord. Yet, my mind is full of uncertainty, conflicting emotions, and many questions: What should grief look like? How do I grieve well?    How do I honor the life of my loved one?    How can it be that, for a brief moment, my world stands still, while   everyone e...

Twas a few nights before Christmas and as I lay in my bed,             A symphony of thoughts were stirring in my head.                         Since sleep was elusive and dreams not meant to be,                                     To the computer I fled with hopes my words could see. The conflicting emotions that grew within my soul             All pulling and pushing, creating a hole.                         Then what should appear on my Bible app screen,  ...

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18 I’m thankful for Thanksgiving. It’s a fantastic holiday - a chance to refocus my current perspective and reflect on my current attitude. Taking an honest look at my heart has been convicting this year. By the grace of God, I’ve been His child for a long time, and yet I am not seeing the fruit of joy in my life. I have open communication with the Savior that I take for granted. I have been blessed in every aspect of life, but instead of being grateful, I long for more. The three things from the verses above do not make a consistent appearance in my life. As a result, my days tend to end with a sense of dissatisfaction and disillusionment. “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Philippians 2:5 Christ came to this earth to serve; He came to give His life. He was grounded in His relationship with the Father, unwavering ...