A work in progress

Saying goodbye was tough. My dad got some awkwardly wonderful pictures of tears running down my face as I said goodbye to my parents in the Houston airport on Tuesday. If he sends them to me, I'll post them, cause I bet they'll make you smile. As I hugged their necks, I knew in my heart that I was making one of the best choices of my life, but my gut told me that getting on this plane was a huge mistake. Wrestling with those conflicting thoughts and all the emotions that come with them left me pretty drained. I arrived in Prague on Wednesday night, worn out from the traveling and still in a bit of shock at how relatively quickly I just overhauled my life. Once I got a chance to call the folks, I found out they had to put Luna down that morning which also happened to be their anniversary. She was a good dog - 17 years old. She'd been part of the family for half my life. After an emotionally draining start, I'm finding my stride here.  I've officially moved into my ap...

As I prepare to move my life overseas for 3 years, my mind has been full. That's to be expected; but one thought in particular has consumed much of my conscious processing time - "By choosing to move to Prague, I've closed the door for good on marriage." As I've been processing this statement, I went through a few stages, but here's what I landed on.  First of all, who am I to make those kind of statements?!? In Romans 9, Paul makes it clear that the clay doesn't tell the potter what to do or what it should be. He's talking about how Israel will always be His chosen people, but by His mercy, we were grafted into the plan. It really hits home, in verse 23, with a reason why we are designed in a certain way or given certain circumstances: "And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory". Singleness is a circumstance, not an identity. The weight of my "closed door" sta...

I prefer simple. Losing my mind feels like a strong possibility if there are too many potential outcomes produced from an equal number of potential processes. Circumstances, on occasion, present themselves in such a way that multi-tasking appears to be the most efficient solution, causing any thoughts I currently posses to hide among the fog that now occupies my brain. Like I said, I prefer simple. Moving is NOT simple. It's a constant multi-step process of decision-making. Should I keep? Should I sell? Should I ship? Should I store? Why do I even own this? And all of these questions lead up to the mother of all moving questions: How do I say goodbye well? In the midst of trying to take care of every one of my material possessions, I'm also trying to communicate love and appreciation to those that have invested in me and those that I've invested in. Emotionally, I'm spent. Mentally, I'm exhausted. Physically, I'm dragging. And spiritually, a Psalm is beating m...

I've been reading He Chose The Nails  by Max Lucado. It's been quite an interesting journey - looking at all the things that Christ said, through action and word, when He took on the penalty that my sin deserves. Lucado shares God's promises through every part of the trial, death, and resurrection of Christ. Today, I read about God's promise through the wine-soaked sponge. It seems strange that God could promise something through a sponge, but He did. The fact that Christ asked for something to drink, He exposed His humanity, clearing stating that He can identify with my humanity. He can be trusted with my thirst, my hunger, my pain, and my sorrow because He understands. He experienced it. He didn't have to live 33 years on this earth. That wasn't part of the requirement. He chose to endure that time on earth so that I knew He could be trusted. Trusting someone enough to let them into my heart terrifies me. I'm tempted to wallow in loneliness and let my fe...

What a crazy winter this has been! In December, we had a two-hour delay. In January, we had 2 school days cancelled due to ice. And today, we have a two-hour delay, which keeps February in this unusual winter tradition. Please forgive me, northern friends, for even talking about what I am experiencing as actual winter. I grew up in snow and ice, and spent 3 years as an adult driving around in this stuff. I know what winter is "supposed" to look like. And yet, having spent half of my adult life in Texas, I am now surprised by freezing temps and wintry mixes. Remnants from our last ice day Looking through my calendar of what needs to be done at school, these delays and cancellations have caused frustration and chaos to my plans. But I'm thankful for this "extra" time that God has provided. In this delay, I get to spend time with Him, allowing the Holy Spirit to mold and shape my heart, so that my time with the students, teachers, parents, and community of...

I believed the lies today: you're a failure; you're best is not good enough; you'll never measure up; you're tolerated and not loved. Not a single person said any of those things to me - it's all in my head. Yet, my belief in these deceptions tainted every interaction, every conversation, and every decision at work today. I'm thankful that the Lord reminded me of the truth so that I don't have to live in the midst of lies tomorrow. And I'm thankful that His Truth is absolute: the same for everyone, at all times, in every circumstance. "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,  For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;  Great is Your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (NASB) For I am convinced that  neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,  nor things present, nor things to come, nor po...

I probably shouldn’t write. That “Do as I say, not as I do” quote could easily be applied to my written musings. God, in His infinite wisdom, made me a math teacher, so my writing skills are rarely called into question. So why do I keep coming back to this? Because it brings some order to my random catalog of a brain. It may not make any sense to anyone else, but it tends to bring some sanity to the insanity of my emotions and mind. Currently, the play-by-play in my head centers on grief. Last May, an aunt passed away; last September, my Grandma Merrell passed away; last Saturday night, an uncle passed away. There is great hope and even joy in each case, since they are now with the Lord. Yet, my mind is full of uncertainty, conflicting emotions, and many questions: What should grief look like? How do I grieve well?    How do I honor the life of my loved one?    How can it be that, for a brief moment, my world stands still, while   everyone e...