Struggle...

I just sent this in an e-mail to a friend and felt like I should post it here:

I know that a big part of my problem at the moment is that my thoughts and questions have not been seasoned with God's Word. I've been negligent in having a consistent quiet time. I have not invested my time or energy into finding an area to minister in church. I have not even been attending church consistently. I know that the Lord is my portion. When I'm full of Him, then I am able to let go of my insecurities and pride and let His love flow out of me into the lives of others. I also know that His plan is the best plan and I'm safe when I walk with Him. But at the same time, I'm scared. I'm afraid of doing what He may ask of me, even though I know it's the best. How can I know the best choice and daily choose something else? How can I have tasted the sweetness of living in communion with Him and not have the energy to open His Word? I'm so afraid of losing those that I love. The fear is making me question the very thing that God wants me to do....love others. How can I die to myself and love people when it hurts so much to do it?

This is something I struggle with regularly, but I often don't communicate it well. Why do I choose to follow thoughts of emptiness and unfufillment under the guise of living safely, when, all this time, I know that choosing to live in communion with Christ is not only safe, but truly the only way to live?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Grandma

Image
It's Tuesday night, 10:30 pm. I'm supposed to be packing for our school's high school retreat, grading quizzes, and going to bed. But I know that the absolute best thing to do right now is to pause in this moment and praise the Lord for my grandmother. I received word this evening that she doesn't have much time on earth left. I'm eternally grateful that her life has been full - full of love, full of hope, full of laughter, full of service, full of the Lord. Soon, she will be free from pain, free from a clouded mind, and free to worship her Savior forever. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a part of Grandma's family. Thank you for her sweet spirit. Thank you for her servant's heart, particularly in caring for children. Thank you that she cheerfully helped me memorize verses for Awana, gently encouraged me to practice my trumpet, and wisely guided me to be a better oldest sister during the years she lived with my family. Thank you th...
Read more

Running

Image
I ran 7 miles today. I tell my students that and they freak out. Except for my cross country runners who are quite used to distances (at a much quicker pace I might add). The thing that surprises me the most is how much of a "head game" I have to play to make the longer distances. My body is able to do 7 miles and more. My mind really wants me to quit after 2. During each run, there are two voices arguing over the music. One tells me that I can do this and will succeed. The other tells me that I have no business attempting this and will fail. I choose which voice wins. As a member of Christ's flock, I hear His voice. I know His voice. And yet I allow a dissenting voice to weasel it's way into my heart and make its argument. Sometimes, I choose the wrong voice. When I choose poorly, I'm grateful that my Shepherd forgives me and will come find me. When I choose correctly, I'm thankful for the faithfulness and sovereignty of the One who knows what is best.  ...
Read more

Weekend truth....

It's been a rough couple of weeks. This time of year is always a struggle. I know that it doesn't have to be. I mean, I know truth. I know that there is life, hope, and rest in my Savior. When I fix my eyes on Jesus, I stop stressing over the details and allow Him to carry me through the big picture. And yet, in October, I often find myself drowning in the details, frantically trying to keep my head above water, oblivious to the life raft right next to me. This weekend was the breaking point.....in a good way. I took Friday off so that I could meet my parents in San Antonio and continue driving to McAllen in order to visit some family and friends. I referred to it as my "mental health" day, but it really ended up being a spiritual health retreat. Friday night, I went to a Casting Crowns concert and was flooded with truth about God's mercy, love, forgiveness, faithfulness, sovereignty, holiness, and love. So often, the routine of every day puts me into auto pilot...
Read more