A work in progress

I believed the lies today: you're a failure; you're best is not good enough; you'll never measure up; you're tolerated and not loved. Not a single person said any of those things to me - it's all in my head. Yet, my belief in these deceptions tainted every interaction, every conversation, and every decision at work today. I'm thankful that the Lord reminded me of the truth so that I don't have to live in the midst of lies tomorrow. And I'm thankful that His Truth is absolute: the same for everyone, at all times, in every circumstance. "The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,  For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;  Great is Your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (NASB) For I am convinced that  neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,  nor things present, nor things to come, nor po...

I probably shouldn’t write. That “Do as I say, not as I do” quote could easily be applied to my written musings. God, in His infinite wisdom, made me a math teacher, so my writing skills are rarely called into question. So why do I keep coming back to this? Because it brings some order to my random catalog of a brain. It may not make any sense to anyone else, but it tends to bring some sanity to the insanity of my emotions and mind. Currently, the play-by-play in my head centers on grief. Last May, an aunt passed away; last September, my Grandma Merrell passed away; last Saturday night, an uncle passed away. There is great hope and even joy in each case, since they are now with the Lord. Yet, my mind is full of uncertainty, conflicting emotions, and many questions: What should grief look like? How do I grieve well?    How do I honor the life of my loved one?    How can it be that, for a brief moment, my world stands still, while   everyone e...

Twas a few nights before Christmas and as I lay in my bed,             A symphony of thoughts were stirring in my head.                         Since sleep was elusive and dreams not meant to be,                                     To the computer I fled with hopes my words could see. The conflicting emotions that grew within my soul             All pulling and pushing, creating a hole.                         Then what should appear on my Bible app screen,  ...

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I Thessalonians 5:16-18 I’m thankful for Thanksgiving. It’s a fantastic holiday - a chance to refocus my current perspective and reflect on my current attitude. Taking an honest look at my heart has been convicting this year. By the grace of God, I’ve been His child for a long time, and yet I am not seeing the fruit of joy in my life. I have open communication with the Savior that I take for granted. I have been blessed in every aspect of life, but instead of being grateful, I long for more. The three things from the verses above do not make a consistent appearance in my life. As a result, my days tend to end with a sense of dissatisfaction and disillusionment. “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” Philippians 2:5 Christ came to this earth to serve; He came to give His life. He was grounded in His relationship with the Father, unwavering ...

It's Tuesday night, 10:30 pm. I'm supposed to be packing for our school's high school retreat, grading quizzes, and going to bed. But I know that the absolute best thing to do right now is to pause in this moment and praise the Lord for my grandmother. I received word this evening that she doesn't have much time on earth left. I'm eternally grateful that her life has been full - full of love, full of hope, full of laughter, full of service, full of the Lord. Soon, she will be free from pain, free from a clouded mind, and free to worship her Savior forever. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a part of Grandma's family. Thank you for her sweet spirit. Thank you for her servant's heart, particularly in caring for children. Thank you that she cheerfully helped me memorize verses for Awana, gently encouraged me to practice my trumpet, and wisely guided me to be a better oldest sister during the years she lived with my family. Thank you th...

I ran 7 miles today. I tell my students that and they freak out. Except for my cross country runners who are quite used to distances (at a much quicker pace I might add). The thing that surprises me the most is how much of a "head game" I have to play to make the longer distances. My body is able to do 7 miles and more. My mind really wants me to quit after 2. During each run, there are two voices arguing over the music. One tells me that I can do this and will succeed. The other tells me that I have no business attempting this and will fail. I choose which voice wins. As a member of Christ's flock, I hear His voice. I know His voice. And yet I allow a dissenting voice to weasel it's way into my heart and make its argument. Sometimes, I choose the wrong voice. When I choose poorly, I'm grateful that my Shepherd forgives me and will come find me. When I choose correctly, I'm thankful for the faithfulness and sovereignty of the One who knows what is best.  ...

My friends and family who possess a more refined grasp of the English language will have to excuse this math-minded teacher's attempt at a "response paper". It's been a long time since I wrote one.  But, I'm compelled to respond to a theme that has been reaching my heart through the book I've been reading, sermons I've been hearing, and conversations I've been having. This morning, my pastor continued a series on being Commissioned, focusing on the message I need to share as I "go and make disciples". (Matt. 28:20) In Luke 24, Christ reminds His disciples that He has fulfilled the prophesies of Moses, the prophets, and the Psalms, and then proceeds to state the Gospel, the message I am to share with the world: "Thus it is written, that the Christ would suffer and rise again from the dead the third day, and that repentance for forgiveness of sins would be proclaimed in his name to all the nations, beginning from Jerusalem." (Lk. 24...